What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 00:57
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So, i spoilt her more .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Are there really people who still believe the Earth is flat?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Does centrifugal force teach us about gravity?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was 9 years of age.
Why do men think all women are the same?
I could never make a relationship work though!
I couldn’t, believe it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is soul school!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What are the challenges associated with the birth narratives of Jesus?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Would this be the day?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He knew the spot.
Has anyone ever really waited that long and gotten a paper check mailed 20 days ago?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What 10 things have you stopped doing in your life?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
How do you recognize when your mental health might need attention?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot live in the past .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Who then, do I blame.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I don,t even have a pension.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She married twice! .
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It was going to be , some day.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im still living with it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were not on the streets..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Put me off passion for life!!
Comes on , in middle age.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But, we were locked up after school.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
All the time i was locked up.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I said to her
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And i lived it daily.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I have no regrets .
She wouldn,t have been !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it wasn’t much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She loved him until the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was very sick at this time too.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I will be 64.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When she asked me how she looked .
I waited trembling.
I write beautiful poetry .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!